10 Pounds of Vertigo

If you’re looking for advice on how to contract vertigo, you’ve come to the right place. Vertigo is a sensation of whirling or loss of balance. I started feeling this sensation after our 7 hour drive to Arkansas last night. I was totally fine in the car, but when I got inside my friends Justin and Gina’s house, I started feeling like I was back on the cruise ship again, swaying and rocking with the waves. In the kitchen. On solid ground. My wife was feeling the same way. Rocking and swaying are second nature on the ocean; you just go with the motions. When it starts happening on dry ground, accompanied by lightheadedness, it’s quite disconcerting.

I was hoping the sensation would go away by today, but instead it got worse. I couldn’t get my head straight sitting at Burger King in Litchfield, IL for lunch this afternoon (you might contend, justifiably, that sitting in Burger King was most of the problem). I again was fine in the car, but every time we stopped, I was stumbling around and felt like I was going to pass out.

The feeling has finally subsided, but apparently this is rather normal after going on a cruise. So, if you ever wanted to experience non-critical vertigo, you should get on a boat for five days. It’s one of the reasons why I probably won’t go on another cruise (p.s. my second cruise update will not be posted today due to our Internet not working at home. Sigh).

Reason number two why I probably won’t go on another cruise is that I put on 10 pounds in five days. That’s insane. And it’s totally my fault. I ate like a normal American, which means I ate way too much at every meal. And by way too much I mean I had a regular sized meal and dessert three times per day. Yes, dessert at breakfast, in the form of a breakfast pastry or two. Or three once. Most days in real life I eat two small meals per day. That’s only half of the problem.

I was also mostly dormant for the last week. Contrast that with my typical 40 miles or more of cycling and another 20 miles of sprint-walking at the restaurant in the same amount of time, and you have a recipe for massive weight gain. And gain I did. And I feel miserable, and have felt miserable since about the third day of the cruise. But that didn’t stop me from binging and laying around. Not me. I was committed to my goal of doing nothing. And now I will pay the price for at least three weeks to get back to a healthy weight.

So, I think my next vacation will look a little more like cycling across Iowa or hiking in Colorado. Even though it won’t be relaxing, at least I know I won’t feel like total garbage afterwards.

And that’s my plug for taking a Carnival Cruise. If you want to feel like you’ve been spinning in circles for an hour while downing a stuffed crust pizza; if you want to feel like Jaba the Hutt; if you want to experience utter self-loathing, take a cruise. You won’t be disappointed.

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